What do medicine, physics, chemisty, and literature all have in common?

They’re all Nobel Prize categories in which the 2007 winner was not a Princeton son, daughter, professor, janitor, squirrel, or anything else affiliated with orange, black, or the crisp air of societal elite.

But don’t fling yourself out the window just yet. We still have two categories – peace and economics – yet to go, and my working theory is that the only reason we’ve been denied a Nobel so far is because we’ll sweep the floor in these remaining two. I’m talking 9 Nobels, minimum. By the time the Princeton Extreme-Nobel Phenomenon of 2007 comes to a conclusion, even T.I. will have a Nobel laureate alum to it’s name. It’s going to be THAT big.

Happy as we are, we should not delude ourselves into thinking we really have a shot at winning one in peace. I have a lot of respect for our glorious alumni base, but come, who’s good enough to actually clinch a Nobel? Wendy Kopp? Our not-to-be-named uncle? If we’re going to be completely honest here (as this post has been so far), we have to admit that peace is too soft a category for the vicious Tiger. Nay, if we’re going to be in the nation’s service or in the service of all nations, we’ll have to do it with the part of our brains that dismisses altruism and says hello to good old economics and self interest.

So since we have to rack up a solid 9 Nobels in Economics by Monday, I say we hold the department under house arrest and force the professors to churn out papers on anything and everything within the next four days (we should also consider hiring lots and lots of monkeys). As a final measure, we should fatten up Avinash Dixit and threaten that he will be eaten alive if the Nobel committee doesn’t finally give him one. Since about 5 Nobels are pretty much a given as it is, such measures ought to put us within fighting range of our modest goal.

I should note, by the way, that my interest in Princetonians winning the Nobel is scarcely selfish. My hope is that this episode will inspire a little something in us – the zeal to do Nobel quality work (though only 35% of those Nobels will get A’s). I, for one, have already decided that my senior thesis will earn me at least one Nobel. Shouldn’t you do the same?

Best of luck.

P.S. If anyone wants to have a Nobel-Announcement-Wakeup-Party, I’d be totally up for it.